I had a dream.

Not a good one.

I was not being good to people. This happens sometimes, I could easily get over dreaming about this.

But.

The people in my dream were people that I know very well. And they were acting just as they would under the circumstances. They were being forgiving, and loving. And I didn’t deserve their forgivness or love. And it pissed me off that they would subject themselves to such treatment without being angry and bitter.
I don’t deserve unconditional love from so many people.
There are very few people I love unconditionally.
I would hope they wouldn’t do the same for me because I’m a fuck up.
I’m a fuck up with a good heart, but I’m still a fuck up.
I don’t want to hurt people, but it’s true that just by living you are going to hurt people. I don’t want to hurt them anyway. Only one way to prevent that, and it’s a bit late to abort me before I influence people.
I hate this.
I hate people not standing up for themselves. For not being angry at people who fucked them over. Loving is one thing. But how do you balance self-respect and love?

Screw it. I’m going to Louisville to be my new druggie-self for the last time before going clean for a long time. I need some encouragement in this, guys, because it’s not going to be easy being high on life again. I need to be addicted to something. I have too much passion in life not to be.