change

Seattle was amazing. It always is.

Had a lovely flight with Red, napped, read more of House of Leaves, settled more into the idea that things are about to really change.
Chris met with Nathan at the airport (while joining us on the trip, he did fly separately), and we all fit our luggage into Nathan’s new car. Met with Seamus at the peroski place on Broadway, had some amazing borscht and dumpling things. Seamus and Anita cooked us dinner, we saw Anita’s dress (gorgeous), and just sat around to talk. Friday hoofed around to locate a job (swanky places with people that love me already, I think my luck may hold out), lunched with Nathan’s mom, Nathan, Libby, Chris, and Annie. Went shopping, bought a hat, had martinis and saw Stolen Babies. Met all sorts of people, danced, drank, talked. Saturday was supposed to have a shoot, but Quais and I weren’t feeling it, and Libby’s time was short anyway. Had a laid back day with Seamus, planned and cooked an extravagant dinner, skipped the club to go to Bauhaus instead for a more laid back time. Sunday set up a wine tasting, went shopping for presents, and had game night. Game night is always best ever. Again with meeting more people, wine, laughing, comfort.

I’m not sure how comfortable I am with letting go right now. I have some of the best friends I’ve ever had here right now. The people around me inspire me to be stronger, more self-assured, and to quest for knowledge.
Don’t get me wrong, I know Seattle will be great for me, and me for it. But I see how much just visiting changes me every time, and that’s scary.

Honestly, I’m uncertain of a lot of things right now. I don’t think I treat the people I care about most with the respect they deserve. That’s at the forefront. I worry that I’m pushing those closest to me away by not spending enough time with them. I don’t know how to handle a move that I see as so possibly permanent. Sure, there are great people everywhere, but they aren’t these people.

So I’m doing the best I can, which is all I can ever really do, I guess.

6 thoughts on “change

  1. isn’t being perfect mind-bogglingly hard?

    surely there is an element of effort, yet there is a profound need to work with the forces that come to you. i’m thinking intuition is involved. if you quiet your voices of desire, you can just hear it whispering.

  2. We all do the best we can with change. Just embrace the change it share it with others when you can. I’m glad we had the talk we did today (both talks)

  3. don’t be afraid.

    the people you love & who love you will always be around. you will meet more amazing people. Life is so grand, and the movie is never over. It just keep getting longer and deeper until your life is over,… and then who knows~! And as they say – distance makes the heart grow fonder.

    If it feels right, do it – you are the only one out there who really truly has your own best interests at heart – even the people you love want things to be a certain way because they want them that way, not because you need it. People can be so selfish and shortsighted sometimes, but you can’t let that hinder you.

    See, I really don’t want you to move away, but that is part of the deal. I knew that upfront. I made it this way on purpose, and I look forward to the changes and adventures you will encounter – part of what I love about you is that you are so your own person, and you don’t seem (at least to the outside observer) to be caught up in what others think or want. It’s good like that.

    you talk about how your lack self direction, but you are pursuing your goals relentlessly, even though not everyone agrees with you about them. Are they somehow someone else’s goals you adopted, or are they ones you thought of yourself?… That’s what I thought. I believe your goals are good ones, at least the few I am aware of. And I have confidence that as you continue to grow and learn, your goals will continue to shift in a positive manner, until one day you realize you have made the life you want for yourself.

    I guess the only advice I have, (and who am I to be giving any?) is to remember that at the end of our lives we only have our memories… our relationships and experiences create those, so it is very important to spend time with the ones you love while you can! The thing is that you need to make those choices intentionally. Avoid letting others decide that they want your time, but you decide who you want to be around and how much!

    I Know how it feels whan everone thinks you are so amazing and they are all clamouring for your attentions, but have little to offer in return. It drains you, prevents you from pursuing your goals. Just because someone wants you in their life doesn’t mean you need them in yours – it means they see something in yours that they want to cultivate in their own life, but having you in their life won’t necessarily help them cultivate it.

    I am struggling with huge change in my life as well, and it is so scary. I don’t know where I will end up, and I don’t like that feeling. And I don’t have a big brother to go live with in a huge new exciting city. I don’t have family I can count on. I have to jump off the diving board all by my self! SO leap with confidence, Lovely – leap into the wild bloo yonder and laugh all the way.

    I will always be right here when you land. (metaphorically speaking – I won’t always live in b’town, but you’ll be able to find me.)<3

  4. I don’t know you well enough to comment on your experiences.

    I am familiar with not being able to spend the kind of time with people one loves and respects to some degree.

    I’ve spent a lot of my life wandering. I ran between fayetteville, dallas, and oklahoma a lot. People I cared about quit trying to find me because I just didn’t seem to care enough to find them. While I’m quite sure this is probably a bit more extreme than what you’re referring to about not “showing enough respect” or “spending enough time” it’s the same principle in my humble opinion.

    It might have hurt me to not be able to spend the kind of time I wanted with people I cared about, but in the end for me it helped me appreciate my time with them so much more.

    If someone Loves you and they see you struggling to find some part of yourself, some ounce of direction, some modicum of real understanding, some peace of mind they’ll let you go find it. When you come back if they really love you they’re still there. Mind you they may just let you go for a while if you’re as absent as I was (I seriously doubt you are), but they’ll understand that you need some room.

    Sometimes I’ve found though that when I come back the room is not always as I left it, and it was time to move on.

    We’re not often able to hear the advice of others because we think we must find the answer for ourselves I think. We struggle. We hurt, and sometimes we find victory and peace in the end.

    Just my two cents.

    I hope you are well.

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