As mentioned in this post back in April, I’ve been doing Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy, or KAP. While it started as a way to address birthing parent trauma, it has rapidly turned into a powerful tool for me. My anxiety levels are way lower, I’m having difficult conversations at home and at work with more confidence, and I feel more engaged in life in general. You can even tell my how much more often I’m blogging that I’m feeling myself again. This is so effective for me that I wanted to share my setup as a person mostly invested in science, as the KAP practice tends to be quite woo.

Find a provider you can work with well

Because KAP is so based on feeling safe and open with your therapist, it is vital to find someone to work with with whom you can be open and honest and completely comfortable. I struggled here as KAP is mostly supported by folks who are invested in alternative medicine, and that was hard for me to not feel guarded around. While I think of medicine the same way I think about god — I don’t know enough to hold strong beliefs — I do strongly believe in science as testing things out and writing down the results. Most providers of KAP are too “woo” for me. But what evidence I could find about trauma work pointed towards KAP being a viable option worth exploring.

When I was looking for a provider who might work well enough for me, I came across Melissa Whippo. While still more into non-Western approaches than I am, she also works to produce scientific papers on her work, and was willing to have a frank conversation with me about how I would probably clam up if she went too deep into the woo. She was willing to work with me on this, and has been willing to space our integration sessions out so I can check in with a different therapist who is more aligned with my world view the rest of the time.

Set and setting

To do a KAP session, you lay down with a blindfold on and music playing, and you think. You have to feel completely safe, and you have to not be able to be distracted by things. Doing this in your provider’s office is great, but also adds up in cost depending on how often you want to do it. Another option is doing sessions elsewhere, and then having integration sessions with your therapist regularly. As you might guess, this can either be really easy or really hard at home. I feel capable of doing this at home because Reed and I don’t share a bedroom so I’m not worried about his needs in my space, I love my bedroom, I have absolute confidence in our childcare setup when I’m not “on,” and I have a great deal of trust that my neighborhood is safe and that any noises loud enough to make it past my headphones are not to be worried about. Not everyone will have this luxury, but I do.

For music, most KAP playlists generally include a whole lot of meditation woo vibes (see previous section). I find this distracting and off-putting, so I have been compiling my own playlist with more weird electronica and Icelandic vibes. It works really well for me.

Capturing and distilling thoughts

Next up is the challenge of what to do when you’re having lots of thoughts, but you’re both too altered to write, and you’re meant to be staying in your sensory state of laying down with a blindfold on anyway. I have discovered a great hack! I use AirPods and ask Siri to remind me about things. This equates to “hey Siri, remind me that I don’t need strangers to validate my gender identity.” Then, after the session, I go through my list of reminders and journal about them into a cohesive narrative arc, which I share with my therapist when we talk.

There is a difficulty with this setup, in that usually my first really good realization during a KAP session happens while I still have the lozenges dissolving in my mouth, and so I can’t talk to Siri yet. I agonized about this for a couple sessions, ruminating on that one thought for as long as possible so I could get it into Reminders, which blocked me from moving on to other things and getting the most out of my session. I now consider this first thought as being like an offering to the fairies — good for the overall process and system, but not a thing for me to have ownership over.

In closing

I am so, so grateful that I have the access, wealth, and built-in resilience to allow me to explore this therapy. It is doing wonders for my ability to show up in the world. And I’m looking forward to seeing more research on its impact on people’s lives.