meanie butt

I can be mean sometimes.

Well, I can be harsh. Lack tact.

I think a lot of it has to do with how open I am with everyone when they meet me. As Coral so aptly put it during a conversation, “if you don’t know something about me, it’s because it didn’t come up in conversation.” I can keep other people’s secrets, but I don’t really have any of my own. This means there is no “real me” to get to know, because I am the Real Me from the get-go1.

This leads me to two issues:
I. I think that after the initial “ooh, you’re neat” stage, because I don’t reveal new aspects of personality that have been hidden away, people sometimes lose interest. I will always want to go on adventures, but I am not a complex, intricate machine. This would be my one self-esteem issue, except I don’t really care if people lose interest. I think I’m rad, and if I’m not producing the ever-new things someone is looking for, they can suck it. I am not your dancing monkey.
II. I want to accomplish Things. I want to impact the world. This means that most of my closest friends have a similar vision. We conduct Business, as it were. And when conquering the world (or at least your corner of it), there is no room for beating around the bush. There is a necessity for etiquette, and certainly thanks, but not for fan dances2.

A. This is not to say I am not a shoulder to cry on. I think if a survey was taken of my friends, I would be seen as a perfectly legitimate avenue for crisis aversion, damage control, and Life Questions
B. I also have what seems to be an even more select group of friends that I can also be “off” with. Who I play video games with and take walks with and play with blocks.3
Basically, the more I get to know you, the less I feel like constructing your identity by assuming what topics I need to avoid, decisions I need to make, etc. You can do it your own damn self because you’re a grown up and we can handle having differences between us as good friends.

This has lead me to a bit of self-reflection4. I’m a breaker, not a breakee. I’m not sure if this is because of my strong personality, or because I’m stubborn, or really actually an ass, or what. But it has been the trend 98% of the time in my relationships with people that if anyone is going to get broken5, it’s not me.
My closest friends also tend to be breakers. We know we can handle each other.
But also as a total social chameleon, I have to be careful who I spend time with, because I assimilate6 world views so quickly. And the more time I spend around people that can handle me in my “off” state, the less I feel like being “on” with people who are a bit more delicate.

Just some thoughts.

1. keepin’ it realz, yo
2. which is funny, because Fan Dances are etiquette. Ner!
3. the Venn Diagram for these groups is certainly overlapping
4. yes, I know all that stuff before was self-reflection, but it’s like reading a text a second time, you get more out of it. Which I suppose is to say that my point (I) is actually a lie, maybe
5. which has happened rarely, thank goodness. and usually for mutual benefit
6. Resistance is Futile

6 thoughts on “meanie butt

  1. People like us are honestly too busy on our missions for the greater good to necessarily stop for every hero-worshiper clamoring for our attention. It doesn’t mean that we are mean or bad people, just hyper-focused and if individuals don’t jive with that higher purpose, that’s just how it’s gonna be.

  2. Sing it, sista! I like that you keep it REALZ! 🙂
    But…I’m a little confused, because I was misled into believing you WERE supposed to be our dancing monkey. What the hell? What a SHAM! hahahahahaha!

  3. Frankly, what you described makes me more interested in continuing to build a friendship with you, not less. I am a direct, literal and sometimes too blunt person and I really respect that in others (along with a healthy stubborn streak). I’d rather know where I stand with someone than to be constantly dancing around what is polite and proper.

    That’s my two cents at least. Oh, and I do agree, it is the best journal title ever.

  4. *high five wi-fi*

    You sir…are amazing.

    i couldn’t agree with you more…’s people like you i am looking for in mah life…

    me love you long time…you see…no put in too many quarter…

  5. for further reading please see…

    a reeeaaallly good book about this ‘on’ and ‘off’ is Goffman’s Presentation of Self in Everyday Life…

    its a comm theory book about how we basically have a backstage with everyone to some level, but the definitions of stages shift with the audiences and players you with or performing for… its interesting.

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