I can be mean sometimes.
Well, I can be harsh. Lack tact.
I think a lot of it has to do with how open I am with everyone when they meet me. As Coral so aptly put it during a conversation, “if you don’t know something about me, it’s because it didn’t come up in conversation.” I can keep other people’s secrets, but I don’t really have any of my own. This means there is no “real me” to get to know, because I am the Real Me from the get-go1.
This leads me to two issues:
I. I think that after the initial “ooh, you’re neat” stage, because I don’t reveal new aspects of personality that have been hidden away, people sometimes lose interest. I will always want to go on adventures, but I am not a complex, intricate machine. This would be my one self-esteem issue, except I don’t really care if people lose interest. I think I’m rad, and if I’m not producing the ever-new things someone is looking for, they can suck it. I am not your dancing monkey.
II. I want to accomplish Things. I want to impact the world. This means that most of my closest friends have a similar vision. We conduct Business, as it were. And when conquering the world (or at least your corner of it), there is no room for beating around the bush. There is a necessity for etiquette, and certainly thanks, but not for fan dances2.
A. This is not to say I am not a shoulder to cry on. I think if a survey was taken of my friends, I would be seen as a perfectly legitimate avenue for crisis aversion, damage control, and Life Questions
B. I also have what seems to be an even more select group of friends that I can also be “off” with. Who I play video games with and take walks with and play with blocks.3
Basically, the more I get to know you, the less I feel like constructing your identity by assuming what topics I need to avoid, decisions I need to make, etc. You can do it your own damn self because you’re a grown up and we can handle having differences between us as good friends.
This has lead me to a bit of self-reflection4. I’m a breaker, not a breakee. I’m not sure if this is because of my strong personality, or because I’m stubborn, or really actually an ass, or what. But it has been the trend 98% of the time in my relationships with people that if anyone is going to get broken5, it’s not me.
My closest friends also tend to be breakers. We know we can handle each other.
But also as a total social chameleon, I have to be careful who I spend time with, because I assimilate6 world views so quickly. And the more time I spend around people that can handle me in my “off” state, the less I feel like being “on” with people who are a bit more delicate.
Just some thoughts.
1. keepin’ it realz, yo
2. which is funny, because Fan Dances are etiquette. Ner!
3. the Venn Diagram for these groups is certainly overlapping
4. yes, I know all that stuff before was self-reflection, but it’s like reading a text a second time, you get more out of it. Which I suppose is to say that my point (I) is actually a lie, maybe
5. which has happened rarely, thank goodness. and usually for mutual benefit
6. Resistance is Futile