I’m agender, which means I don’t really care a whole lot about gender. But that also means I don’t particularly like getting bucketed with women based on body shape, clothing, voice, or other things related to presentation.
Although my body got back into a shape I was more comfortable with, another thing I really wanted was to have a less femme voice. While some folks tell me I have a nice alto voice, it still sounds too femme in my head to align with my gender identity. Testosterone thickens the vocal cords, so will often drop your voice. I want that! But it ends up testosterone does a BUNCH of stuff. So it’s been a journey. Here’s mine so far.
Disclaimer: hormones have a different effect of different people, and my experience is not to say what I think the standard experience is for men and/or trans folk. I just found it FASCINATING to have such a different experience, and want to explore it here.
Not great
Mood
I have been far more impatient, and prone to anger. So much so, that the first time I went on testosterone in 2022, I had to go back off of it in early 2023 because I simply couldn’t afford the tumult of a second puberty while navigating Locke’s infancy and also my return to work. Going back on testosterone has been steadier the second time — I knew what to anticipate and be self aware about, and I think the injectable actually helped me out here. I’m still less patient than I used to be, but I don’t think this is necessarily always a bad thing — more on that in the “Mixed” section below.
This has given me even more respect and compassion for the testosterone-laden humans in my life who are compassionate, collaborative, and considered. I see what a challenge hormones can make this approach, which I still think of as table stakes.
Hair
My head hair, already thin, began thinning even more. I started growing (very pale, very scraggly) facial hair. I’m not into either of these things, so I went on Finasteride, a drug that limits how testosterone impacts the skin. It’s caused my hair to stop falling out so quickly, and I have no idea if it’s actually stopping facial hair growth. I may need to start shaving instead of just plucking soon, which is not my favorite idea.
Sex drive
My sex drive, already persistently higher than most anyone I’ve ever dated, has gotten egregious. I don’t know how teenage boys get anything at all done. I’m having inappropriate crushes. I am still treating everyone with respect, and am grateful to the decades of managing this already to help manage this new volume.
Mixed bag
How I take up space
Because of both my abusive relationship and also Gunner persuading me to take up less space, the way I inhabit group situations has changed. I’m less certain of myself, less assertive about things I do know. I over compensate by seeing assertive when I’m less certain of things. It’s a mess that I talk with a therapist regularly about. But now I’m feeling more confident in myself again, like what I have to contribute matters, not just uplifting other voices. I don’t know if this is the testosterone itself or the gender confirmation, but either way, it’s generally been good.
However, I lack grace around this and am starting to trample other people more, especially given the miscalibration of when to be assertive and when to be more humble. More work to be done here, for sure.
Amazing
Voice
My main goal of my voice dropping has finally started to happen, about a year back on T and 6 months on an injectable. I went to pick up Locke from preschool the other day and one of our parent friends was there at the same time and asked if I was sick. “NO! My voice is finally dropping!” I was so excited I squeaked. But it’s been SUCH gender euphoria. Hooray. I’ll never be super base-y, but I won’t be so far on the femme side of things. Hopefully I get a bit more here, but even if this is it, it’ll be enough.
Strength
This has been an unexpected boon. If I was deconditioned, I would need to start with a 10 mile bike ride, and then add 10 miles each week. Now I can hop on the bike for 30 miles with hills or 50 without, and add 15-20 a week afterwards. I’m already benching more than I did before I stopped lifting for a year. It’s BANANAS and it feels SO GOOD to be strong. I like being muscley.
Perimenopause
Because I have ovaries, I was going to go through perimenopause and menopause at some point. Technically, I now have because it’s been so long since I’ve menstruated, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t also have to go through associated hormone changes. Because I didn’t want to deal with the discomforts of those hormone changes, I would have had to go on HRT at some point anyway, and I certainly wasn’t going to double down on femme ones.
In short
Hell yeah, I love being on T, I hope it doesn’t get taken away by this administration.