Category Archives: personal

Personality shift

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Something has shifted deeply for me over the last 5ish years, which I think merits calling out for folks who have known me for a long time. I’m eager to hear how this has landed with folks, especially as part of a birthday missive. However, so many things have changed in the last 5ish years that it’s hard to pinpoint a single origin. In this post, I explore some of those things and the impact I expect they’ve contributed to. Here they are in chronological order for when they started.

Relationship with Reed

Reed is a difficult person. He is also, hands down, the best partner I could think of for myself. He is extremely predictable, self aware, and invests heavily in a few choice things. Our lives together are one of those choice things, which means I can offload a lot of cognitive overhead about home, bicycle, self, etc care to him and it gets done better than I’d bother doing it myself. Reed can also be incredibly selfish (again, in a self-aware way). He has the most attuned sense of what “enough” is of anyone I’ve met. He sets goals for what he would like his life to look like, and when those goals are met, he enjoys the fruits of his labor.

Being around this as the main touchpoint of human interaction in my life (we are romantic partners, co-parents, and dear friends) means some of this has rubbed off on me. I have always had high standards, but now I am more comfortable doing something myself or with others than dragging along someone who is struggling in a non-self-aware way. For most of my youth, I had a strong savior complex, which I have worked on overcoming for years. Both my work with GWOB and my relationship with Reed have helped me truly wrap that up. Perhaps too far in the other direction, but all things are oscillations.

Working at Apple

While most of the individuals I worked with at Apple were truly lovely, the company itself has a culture of extreme arrogance. Success has gone to the proverbial head, and it seeps into everything. Even the hiring process is terrible because the recruiters know having Apple on your resúmé is life changing (or was, before this market, phew), and that people want to work there regardless of other factors. Every chance I had to be more collaborative, I tried to take, and I was (mostly politely) redirected to try to find other paths.

I remember trying to explain that an executive coming up with a problem statement that then a bunch of brilliant people came up with in-depth responses to individually, which then the exec picked “the best of”, and then program managers dolled out the work was not actually “collaborative” but a process diagram instead, and it fell on deaf ears. 5 years of that, and not being able to talk to other people about it, sure did a number on me.

Becoming a Parent

I gave birth alone via emergency c-section after a very scary night. Covid meant no guests unless you were in labor, and because I was two months early, they were trying to stop the labor and so wouldn’t admit me as such. After a month in the NICU, we brought Locke home only to discover that Reed had severe misophonia related to infant screaming, and so then I was on the hook for taking care of two creatures who couldn’t fend for themselves and were actually often at odds with each other’s needs. Our agreement that Reed was going to be the stay-at-home parent exacerbated this because it made asking for outside help at odds with our goals and plans. It was the worst 18 months of my life. And in part because Reed is already a difficult person, my care network saw this as a personal failing on his part rather than a disability, which led to even more long-term issues.

This also led to some extreme division of labor — Reed still wanted to help out, but it needed to be in discrete, scheduled chunks that he could prepare for. Which was good in some ways because it meant I got clear time off, instead of always being “on.” However, that shifted us away from the collaborative, flowing parenting style we now actively and intentionally implement.

While I’ve done deep therapy around all this and mostly moved past it, I still have a trauma response to some things, and repairing other relationships is still taking significant effort. Going through this also deepened my relationship with Reed. Now, when something is difficult, we know it’s not as difficult as this thing we did that one time.

Being on Testosterone

I love being on testosterone for many reasons, and have also already highlighted the ways it has shifted my experience of the world in ways I’m less of a fan of. I have a shorter fuse, less empathy on the surface, and less patience. I take up space more now than I used to, and focus less on making space for others. The first I don’t think is a bad thing — I deserve just as much space as anyone else, it’s that now I’m expecting to get it. And I haven’t figured out yet how to balance taking space for myself with my old habits of taking space for others as well. Whether that’s because of an actual biological reaction or “just” the validation, who knows.

Where I am now

Who knows how much any of these, or collection of these, led to my brain issues worked on last year. But I am now less warm and collaborative than I used to be. I miss it, it was aligned with how I’d like the world to be and for people to treat each other. I’ll keep working to be warmer again.

Again, I’d love your insights into how I’ve changed, and how that has impacted our relationship, for my birthday this year. And I have yet to talk about all this with my therapist, so who knows what will change about it as I continue to explore.

Oh yeah, I guess we also went through the collective trauma of Covid in that time, too. That matters as well.

Let them take the risks they can afford

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The title is one of the few pieces of advice my mum gave me about child rearing. It came through pretty clearly in how she and my dad raised me — I’ve even got a tattoo about it, and how it’s not just about parenting but also my approach to security. I’m lucky that Reed and I are also well aligned on this front. Sometimes other parents are pretty aghast at how far away we let Locke get from us, how we let him do mildly dangerous things. Here’s our reasoning: the kid is going to have a bad time while learning, at some point (getting burned on something hot, getting separated from us, etc), so we may as well control as best we can the first time that happens. That’s different than how others approach it: using their control to prevent it happening, such that when it inevitably does happen, it’s when they’ve lost control, and then it can be truly bad.

Here are some examples of our approach.

The stairs he’s allowed to fall down

Our house is a split level, so while it’s two stories high, we have 4 sets of stairs. Some of them are quite steep. So Locke was going to fall down stairs at SOME point, and we wanted to decide which set of stairs that would happen on. Thankfully, we have two steps between two rooms in our house. Yes, it’s on hardwood, but it’s the shortest set we have. So when he was learning to crawl, we decided that was the set of stairs he was allowed to fall down. We did safety protocols around the other sets of stairs, but none around those. He fell down them. He cried. We comforted him. He is now incredibly confident around stairs.

How Locke got down stairs for most of his childhood, after falling down 2:

Getting lost

As Locke was learning to walk, we took him to the zoo a lot. There’s a lot going on there, and lots of space to explore. But it’s also pretty well contained, full of other parents, and there are protocols in place for lost kids. What a great place for him to get lost! The first time he wandered away on his own from Reed (I wasn’t there), Reed discretely followed him for awhile. Locke eventually realized he wasn’t near Reed anymore and didn’t know where he was. He had a whole Experience, which Reed let him have for a bit, and then went to him. There was a lot of validating feelings with “you couldn’t find me, and it was scary!” instead of focusing on Reed not being able to find Locke. Now Locke knows it’s on him to know where we are, and to stay as close as feels necessary.

Do we still keep tabs on him? Of course! But if he runs off for a bit, we have high confidence that he’ll return when he needs us.

Hot things are hot

No matter how many times you tell someone about how something might hurt them, usually folks have to experience it directly before really believing it (this is not just about kids). So while we tell Locke when something is hot or dangerous, we also still let him do things like pour hot water for his tea. Recently, he burned himself on the kettle while trying to handle it. Of course we comforted him about it and made sure it got the treatment the (very mild) burn needed, but we also didn’t fuss about it much more than that. He had learned a lesson by taking a risk he could afford.

Celebrations and Death

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I’ve been dealing with a lot of death lately. And while it’s just a part of life, it sure does start to make one think after awhile. So I’m using my birthday as processing time, as I am wont to do. I’m test running my death infrastructure for my birthday this year, and requesting notes from folks.

If you can see this message, it’s because I would want you to be aware of when I die. THIS IS ONLY A TEST — I am fine, everything is good, I’m just an elder goth now and I like to plan everything, even death. 

This is an experiment with bureaucracy and documentation. As you know, I love LARPing Serious Business. I am doing a test run of the systems that would announce my death to the many beautiful communities I’ve had the honor of being a part of. If it was logistically difficult to get this message, when you’d want to get it, let’s improve that process — reach out. If it was emotionally hard for you to get this message, this event is probably not for you, and I’d love to see you in another context some other time soon.

On April 18th at 16:30 PT / 19:30 ET, I’m hosting a time to talk about preparing for death (not dying — they’re different. We’ll talk about ceasing to exist, not how you want to be treated while going through a however-long process of getting there). We’ll take about an hour to talk through digital estate planning (a passion of mine), and then we’ll also have some time to talk about any feelings folks might have had about thinking about death. We’ll be at this link at that time.

Selfishly this year, I’d also love notes about what we mean to each other. One of the things that’s come up time and again at the wakes I’ve been attending is wishing to have said some things before the option was no longer there. Let’s say those things to each other. I’m not looking to be shrouded or to do a mock service, I’m looking for open and honest views of who we are together. Roasting, power points, and poetry all lovingly accepted. Email to me, please, so I can label and revisit.

You do not have to do both, or either, if they’re not your cup of tea.

If you would prefer to learn about my death from an email instead of a social media post, please get me your email address and I’ll add you to the mailing list. That will be posted to before social media posts go up.

Looking forward to being inappropriately morbid with you. 

On not being enough

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The world has been offering ample opportunities to test my newfound comfort with being uncertain about if I’m “enough,” if I’m “adding value,” etc.

There’s this thing my favorite old therapist introduced me to, of “unanswerable questions.” It’s like.. no matter how much data you get about people loving you, you’re still like “guess we’ll never know if I’m lovable or not.” Mine has long been about if I’m bringing value or not, which has put me at risk of abusive relationships as I’m easy to tear down in that way. But I’ve been working hard on therapy and on self-love, and I think I’ve come a pretty long way on this front in recent years.

My first glimpse at doing better at this was getting feedback while at Apple that I was successfully selecting which things to half-ass and which things to full-ass. After all, we can’t get all the things done all the time, and some things only need some of our attention. Sometimes, our full attention can actually be detrimental to a project, and can inhibit others’ ability to grow.

But on Sunday February 15th, I had two things happen, either of which might have previously completely destroyed me, and now I’m just kind of fine with both having happened on the same day.

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So you want your own surveillance…

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Mark wrote up this piece that is relevant to our neighborhood, but didn’t have a good spot to post it, so we’re sticking it here.

Very understandable. I had a random person walk into my backyard a few months ago, uninvited and unwelcome. That made my family want a little more visibility into our home when we were not there or when our kids were home by themselves. So I’m with you. Let’s get cameras. There are so many cameras, and systems, and oh my! What to do?

Considerations

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Coming from a family of alcoholics (4 months in)

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This is the second of three checkins during 6 months of not drinking. The first was written 2 months in, this is being written 4 months in.

Things that have changed since last checkin

I’m pretty happy just not drinking. Sure, there are times and days that it would be really nice to crack open a cold cider, but I’m actually doing pretty well not drinking. The bees mentioned in the first post have subsided in most cases, and been dealt with in other ways for the other times. It’s nice.

Mother in law found a great NA wine that doesn’t just taste like fruit juice. It’s still not good wine, but it is tolerable for a mild wine snob to have a treat.

The data

Overall, I’m getting more of what I want out of not drinking. While this data is skewed because I knew I wasn’t getting everything I wanted out of my relationship to alcohol before this experiment, it’s still wild to see the move from 15 to 40% in a positive experience, and to even see a “strongly positive” experience show up a few times.

Image is described in blog post above
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The value of thoughts

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I have this sweetie who also adores sci-fi books. We were on a bike ride at some point, and he asks if I’ve read There is No Antimemetics Division. I reply that I have not, and he offers to give me his copy (he knows I prefer reading paper copies in bed even though I love a good Creative Commons story even more, and self-published copies are also a way to support the author). I say yes. I read it, it’s delightful, I find the ending a bit flat because it’s antithetical to how the rest of the book went, BUT it’s still very good and I’m glad I read it. I stick it somewhere as a book I like enough to want to share with other folks if they spot it.

I suggest Reed also read it. He picks it up and likes it so much he also gets a copy for his brother for Christmas. The new copy is different, a hardback, and the main character’s name seems to have changed. That’s ok, sometimes there are further editions of things, must meant the author is doing well.

Reed comes to me and says “hey do you still have your copy?” and I reply that yet I do unless I stuck it in the LFL. He tells me it’s now worth $500. Apparently the bitcoin bros have found out about it and want copies of the first self-published run.

Willow's new albatross, a paperback copy of There Is No Antimemetics Division, now somehow kept in a plastic bag.

Now, I have some Feelings on this. Mainly that it’s under Creative Commons and so you can just get the actual words for free, and so wanting this particular printed version is pure status signaling, which is not a thing I think you should be able to be able to come to via money. I’m a goth punk kid from the Midwest where people didn’t even WANT to pretend to be like us, who then moved to bigger cities where having stuck to that background made you “cool” and so there were lots of folks adopting the trappings without the values alignment (history is something you can always build).

But also, I’m doing a bunch of stuff in my neighborhood out of my own pocket and I don’t like asking my neighbors to throw in to help cover the costs, and this book could now cover nearly all of the radios I just got for all of us. And that would be nice, and it’s ridiculous to throw money at something that’s literally freely available.

So I’ve offered to give the copy back to the sweetie who gave it to me. Philosophy is not my favorite place to be trapped.

2025 in review

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I’ve been doing these a long time, you can read about the years since 2015 if so desired. These are inspired by Tilde, who has taught me that it can be a Good Thing to remember what the last year has been like. Many of the headers in this post are based on my goals for 2025.

I’ve been tracking general activity via LifeCycle for quite a few years now, but beginning during medical leave this year I also started tracking my time just to not feel like it was slipping away into the ether. Some of that time this year (particularly at home as well as at work and coffee shops) can be further broken down as follows. I did not track activities outside of the house (mostly covered by LifeCycle) nor relaxing time in the house because that way lies madness for me.

A donut chart with kiddo time at 37%; then work and side projects each in the teens and socializing at 9%, then the rest trailing below.

You’ll also notice a new chart style this year — I moved my life data out of Google Sheets and into Airtable. It’s given me a bunch of fun insights, including this tidbit.

The phrase for this year was empathy without responsibility. This has really been front and center for me, resulting in more effective local organizing within the context of The World On Fire, dealing with memory and cognition issues effectively, having a more balanced approach to job hunting, and to generally being more grounded in impact rather than anxiety. More in this blog post.

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Coming from a family of alcoholics (2 months in)

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I am full of bees, and have long been as productive and engaged as I am in order to help quell those bees. Over the years, I’ve tried having nonproductive hobbies, meditation, medication, and all sorts of other things to quell the bees.

Reed and I had a conversation in October of 2025 about my drinking. I had gotten it to what I thought was a good homeostasis — 1-3 ciders 5x/week or so. Not more than most Europeans drink. But Reed was still interested in if I was getting what I wanted out of it for three reasons, which I reflect on below during my period of not drinking (for however long that is). I have decided to start with 6 months off, at which point we’ll check back in on if we’re getting what we want out of it. I’ve decided to blog about it at the 2, 4, and 6 month markers at least.

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