in my time of dyin’

Found a copy of House shoved into a back drawer of an abandoned desk at work. It was covered in dust and notes, post-its folded and worn stuck out past the pages. The page with the author’s name on it had fallen out and was rubber-banded to the back. And all I could think was, “so that’s what this Autumn is going to be like.”

Autumn has always been my favorite season. The cooling off, the clear change, the wiping of a slate to tabula rasa again. Death is the Road to Awe. You have to have an end to have a beginning, and I’ve always been smitten with the head space of a fresh sheet.

But something is different this time. There are people-shaped holes in my universe, and the clone tool isn’t working. The dodge and smudge are making it tolerable, but there seems to be a lock on the layer I want to change. Which I suppose it part of growing up, of moving, of making solid decisions that lock in how you relate to people.

There are lots of neat people here, and I need to be happy with how I relate to them, how I build my community here, but I miss things.

I miss gin and The Prisoner, English Breakfast and Anonymous 4.
I miss bare feet on the reservoir, huddling under blankets on the back porch.
I miss crafties and games at the Spoon.
I miss late night Venn Diagrams on glass tables, running for the quote book, Katamari on the couch.

Every choice I make has stark consequences, seemingly more-so than in the past. I can’t do everything I want – I don’t have the time, energy, or money. And each choice makes it more difficult to chose a different path later on (not impossible, mind you). With so much weighing on each choice, sometimes I feel like not making any at all. But then it’s even more time and energy wasted.

It’s time to play blind-folded roshambo with the Future. And I think I may still win. Because it’s better than smoking a cigarette blindfolded and wondering what all the clicking is about.

6 thoughts on “in my time of dyin’

  1. you

    We are thinking of you a lot in Indy. Sherlock Holmes & Herzog films have replaced the Prisoner (temporarily) and wine is the drink of choice these days.

    However, negotiations can be made.

    Amazing how life takes us, changes us, forces us to evolve and de-evolve.

    I feel new changes coming everyday. I’m glad you’re okay after the news I heard over the weekend too.


  2. Chuang Tzu

    Translation and commentary by Derek Lin

    Lao Tzu’s Funeral

    Lao Tan was dead. Chin Shih went to his funeral.
    He yelled three times and then came out.

    [“Lao Tan” is Lao Tzu. ed.]

    A disciple asked: “Are you not the Master’s friend?”

    He replied: “Yes.”

    “But then you mourn him like that, is it okay?”

    He replied: “Yes. At first I thought he was a great man, but now I see that’s not so.

    “Of those who mourn him, there are the elderly who cry for him like they cry for their own son, and younger people who cry for him like they cry for their own mother.

    “When they gather together like this, there must be those who don’t want to talk but talk, and those who don’t want to cry but cry.

    “This is denying the true self and going against one’s feelings, forgetting one’s given nature. The ancients would call this the punishment for denying the true self.

    “When it was suitable to come into the world, the Master came at the right time. When it was suitable to depart the world, the Master left naturally.

    “If one can calmly wait for the right moment and go with the natural flow, sadness and joy cannot enter the heart. The ancients would call that being released by the Emperor from hanging upside down.”

    From the Tao perspective, life and death are natural processes and they occur at the appropriate time for their own reasons. We attach a lot of unnecessary emotion to these events when we fail to see that they are merely part of the flow of the universe. Chin Shih likens this sort of misery to the punishment of hanging upside down. To be able to make the breakthrough and see life and death as they really are is to be released from this punishment.

      • Huh. I really wanted to quote this other passage about the holes of the Earth being filled with the wind of the Nature, seeing as u were talking about people-sized holes. I was gonna come back and delete this other post, move it to a post of my own, and replace it. Then i noticed u titled the post “In My Time of Dyin'”, so I’m gonna leave it. But I hope u’ll read the other quote too. <3

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