So this job I’m taking over involves being the keeper of the Special Pens. Pens which are only given out one or two at a time to people who are deserving (ie, those who make money for the firm instead of those who just support them). It’s a tough job, I know, but somebody’s got to do it. After taking careful inventory, I had to have a way to protect these pens. Because I am not allowed a locked drawer, like an angsty teenager and their own room, I had to come up with another way.

Now, if this were the serving industry, I would simply leave a note that said something to the effect of, “if you take pens, I will stab your eye out with one.” (similarly, on scissors, one might write “if you take these, I will cut you”). But this is not the serving industry. Something I’ve come to know as “tact” is required. But I can’t just say “PLEASE DON’T TAKE PENS” because that’s too… dull. And I can’t say anything passive aggressive because it makes a small part of me die.

So this is my approach. Let me know what you think.

I would also like to point out that our OS is so old that I have to screen-print into PAINT for God’s Sake, which charmingly also captures old-school Word’s attempts at fixing my syntax. Love it.