random blatherings

Every time I see Corey in a club he loses a bit more lore power.

Visiting clubs across the country on my road trip made it very apparent what sort of archetypes there are (especially? even?) in the subculture I participate in. I saw a lot of my friends a few times over, and I even spotted myself in a few. Communities request that certain roles be filled and often people are happy to oblige. Even the guy that doesn’t want to give in to the fashion and is just there for the music is an archetype. And Corey is definitely an archetype as well. Which means I see him on the occasions I go to the club. It’s the same scrawny white boy with black or white hair with a long loose hawk or angry chicken, goggles, stompy boots with the pants tucked in, dancing the Rivet dance.

And every time I see someone like this, I try to talk to them. Because it’s better to interact with the things you give power than to avoid them. Then the power you give it is also yours, it’s the difference between a tool and a trap, to paraphrase Mr Gaiman. And I say lore power because the people you’re truly close to weave their world views and beliefs in with yours like a fabric, and you can’t always tell what was there before and what wasn’t. I forget sometimes how much he impacted me, in all sorts of ways that built me up and tore me down.

I’ve been spending a fair amount of time on my own, working on things that are important to me. I’m trying to figure out the difference between being alone and being lonely. I’ve been practicing Parkour on my own which is really a comment on my vanity and perfectionism. Running at the gym with headphones in. Reading for hours on end in my apartment. I’m covered in bruises from landing against walls and rolling off embankments. My heels, toes, and hands are spotted with blisters and callouses. I’m learning to spend more time with fewer people, which honestly makes me feel boring at times. I’m so good at making friends I forget how to make friendships deeper. I’ve been thinking about how I interact with people, the way I help decide the flow of conversation, etc.
I’ve finally figured out how to challenge my passion by my own desires. But a lot of the time my own potential scares me.

I’ve also been dealing with a lot of insomnia. I think I’ve managed about three hours a night over the past week. So that’s a funky head space. Actually I feel surprisingly good compared to past bouts. So if you find yourself in the Seattle area and awake at 3a, we can play with toys or read comic books or something. I make a mean pot of tea, too.

6 thoughts on “random blatherings

  1. NOOO! There cannot be another non-gothy person who likes gothy music! How dare someone sully my novelty by not being gothy!

    hehehe

    I tend to feel the same way since Liz and I aren’t surrounded by friends. Then the friends we invite to things never show, so we feel pretty boring a lot.

    But, honestly, still waters run deep. Those that aren’t spending their time trying to socialize and maintain friendships have a lot of time on their hands to do things that interest other people later… Or, well, that’s how I get over it anyway. I’m not interesting all the time, but I have my moments.

  2. Wow. Seems you and I are going through a lot of similar things Willow. I may not be going through the exact same stuff as you, but man it seems we have a lot in common going on in our lives right now. I guess it’s an understatement to say that I know what you mean as well.

    Man I would love to come up and do some late night hangin’ out to help keep ya sane. When things get sorted out here and I’ll do what I can to be up there.

    BTW you might not think you are interesting all the time however I beg to differ. 😉 I think you are one of the most interesting people I’ve met.

  3. The difference between alone and lonely is one that I work on on a daily basis — it seems that living communually during undergrand and post undergrad left me with this belief that I always deserved, merited, and would have human company, no matter the hour of the day, day of the week. As a grown up (sort of) with zillions of obligations I understand better other commitments, and to a certain degree, the pleasure in reading a book alone with a cup of tea and the cat.

    There are still times when I tie my self-worth to the number of people around me; the number of cell numbers I can ring at any hour, the number of connections or comments or attention I recieve. The number of people I know out at the bar, at the event, at the coffee shop. The number of people who RSVP to my party invites.

    I’m getting better about this, about making choices for what I actually need, and not for the company that I may crave but which like a second bowl of ice cream, isn’t what I actually want.

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