A long-time friend and fellow academic nerd is working on her pHd, and had some questions for me. One was “Do you think of relationships that are almost entirely text based as real? Or even entirely text-based? Like things you’re never going to meet this person. Are those real relationships, too?” and Wow but I have Feelings on this one.

1. I am grateful for all the friends I have all over the world. I think sustained relationships have as much to do with preferred modes of communication as shared interests. I have gone years without “talking” to people I love, all while keeping up in a heart-felt way.
2. I love live blogging with other people in collaborative documents. I think there is a humor unique to being in a shared text space at the same time, honing in on what someone is trying to say (successfully or otherwise). The best sort of back channeling. I will forever remember typing into a doc with the Civic crew, 7 minutes into a rambling talk, “Have they actually said anything yet?”
3. One of my oldest x closest friends and I will text each other from the same room, because it’s the form we both prefer, and we’re both funnier in text than in voice. On a community Slack with an #awkward-silence channel, I once posted an elephant emoji. The elephant was immediately removed by a moderator and made the subject of the channel.
4. Another old, dear friend, who is also an ex, has referred to me lovingly as a “textrovert,” which I have adopted and use widely.

I was quick to vehemently say “of course.”

Then she asked me what that meant about relationships with LLMs. And I kind of went off. Because the “relationships” people have with LLMs has so much less to do with format and so much more to do with what a “friend” is and is not.

I have at least one friend I have kept from every stage of my life, so I think I can comment on this a bit. I have two friends I have had since preschool (and the following 9 years of Catholic school). I have remained friends with coworkers, exes, and people on other continents. If I may be so bold, friendship is kind of my superpower, and I’m damn proud of it. I’m not perfect at it, but I invest in it and it has paid me back multi-fold.

I’m not perfect at it… and that’s the point of this post. Because any long-lived relationship will have some History to it. It will have the time I fucked up and made someone angry or hurt, and visa versa. But for each of these relationships, we called each other in, came back to the table, and built a bigger table. A sycophantic LLM is not interested in how you can be a better person, it’s “interested” in appeasing the most people possible so people think they enjoy using it.

As Priceless enters our 20th year (I’ve been with the group for 10), we have been working to continue our historic ties to strong opinions lightly held. We lose some folks as they onboard with us, as they’re not used to arguments amongst friends. But we all always know we have each other’s backs, and that arguing isn’t personal, and that we’re stronger because we criticize each other’s ideas. This is one of the things I miss most about the Boston Area. The Bay Area seems to think you have to agree with someone to be friendly. And that is absolutely not the core of my friendships.

It’s like when I was reading Love and Sex with Robots… there’s a question of the overlap of sex and masturbation. If informed consent can’t be given, then all you’re doing is masturbating with something you think is an object. And all people who think they’re forming relationships with LLMs are doing is masturbating. Doing so is enjoyable, but it doesn’t prepare you for actual relationships with your fellow humans, and that is to your deep detriment.

If you also have opinions on this (and other things!) let me know and I’ll put you in touch with Alex for her research.